A tribute to the Northern Ute Tribe

An Ancestral Prayer Tree

The Northern Utes had several trails that led to TAVA, "Pikes Peak", the mountain, sacred as it was considered the birthplace of the people. Along these trails they would take a young ponderosa pine and bend it, tying it with deer hide, marking the way to the mountian. Their small bands on pilgrimage to the mountain would stop at each tree to eat and pray, sending blessings to their ancesters. And asking for little. This particular tree has a smooth twisted trunk, worn smooth by the many hands passing over it's surface. I would guess the tree to be at least two hundred years old. It is very strange, and perhaps just a figment of my imagination, but when I touch the tree where the hands were rubbed, it could be the coldest day of the year, and that area feels warm. I too have asked for blessings, that I believe I have received. Some may laugh, some may snort or tsk at my individual pilgrimage. I own it, I accept it, and to me, the tree remains as a symbol of the pure hearts of the Ute.

My Dearest Sister

I have absolutley no idea how to begin, or ever to put into order the things I want and need to say. So I will say it like this, If there was a sainthood for kindness, caring, dedication, generosity, and loyalty, my sister would be the recipient. My mother died early when my brother was nine and I was 16. My father, I think, probably, was truly unable to parent, or keep a household. This put my sister Sandy into action. Her home was open for my brother and I. Sandy didn't have any money, and had two children at the time. At 17 yrs old, my sister now had responsibilities for four. Sandy never blinked. She was married to one of the hardest working, dedicated men that I have ever known. I will never measure up to Cliff, he is more of a man than I can ever hope to be. Many of todays values that I am blessed with, have come from him. I cannot thank him enough for being a great man to my sister, and to his children, and to me. Sandy didn't have an easy life, right from the beginning her parents were incapable of showing emotion or any kind of love. But she was a fighter, my sister would FIGHT if the occasion called for it. She was not afraid, she had survived a tough infancy and early childhood. One would not dare insult one of us kids in front of my sister. It would inevitably bring a finger to the face, and a warning. I admire my sister so much. For over sixty years she has made the tough choices, and waded through the troubled times to raise six great kids, and now many wonderful grand children. To the world, like all of us, she is just a spec on the landscape. To me my sister is an incredilby compassionate human being. I wish we lived closer to each other. She came to visit "Solace" and stayed for a week. I treasure the time we spent on the deck in the early morning and late evening, just us, sometimes not even speaking. What a life it has been. What a privilege to have her and her husband to lead, guide and direct me in becoming who I am. May the Universe continue to ingratiate her.

Quotes and Notes

All aspens are one aspen. It is amazing to drive through miles of Aspen in the Rockies and understand that one tree started it all. It is a community, giving saftety and homes to wildlife, sharing it's beauty through human eyes. As the leaves turn to gold in the fall, it is all but overwhelming to sit beneath a full stand of trees. It gives the intensity of being in the cup of all that is right in the universe.

Over the years I have collected a number of quotes from friends, politicians, my wife, mother-in-law, and my writings. I wanted to share some of these with you in the hopes that you too will find wisdom in their words. There are things that I want to say, that I want to share with my grandchildren, in the hopes that one day they will read these words and know a little bit about me. To hear some of my thoughts as I feel them. I am not a philosopher nor do I pretend to be. I just want to put the words down as eloquently as I possibly can. B.G. Clark

"Some say mankind was created from nothingness. I believe we are created from all things, we live our lives to experience everything, and when we die, we once again join with everything. Matter may disintegrate, energy is forever."
K. D. Clark 3/17/06

The Universe always says yes.
Sandy Lawson, March 18, 2006
A dear, dear friend

The planet is an organism, and like any other, it is subject to virus. We are the virus of this organism, and we are sure to destroy it.
B.G.Clark

To be able to express oneself is one thing. To be able to express it to the world, accurately, taking into consideration the psychological set of the target reader is an awesome gift.
B.G.Clark 16 February, 2006 in a letter to Emily

"I am here, because you are here. My impact upon you, be it positive or negative, may have impact upon another, who may do great things."
B. G. Clark 2005

"When I go inside (my head), I see designs, designs of things that are not here yet."
Thomas G. Betancourt, grandson age 11
June 2, 2005

Sometimes watching brings me sadness, sometimes discovery. Whichever, I am forced to look at it, and meditate upon it. At times there are answers, not always palatable to me.

B.G. Clark, "looking inside from out"

You got to realize....... I don't think that deep, I don't even want to think about thinking that deep. Betty McDonald (my mother in law) Feb 2005

On a ride through the beautiful changing aspens of the high country, our family was talking about world news and current events. My wife asked her mother what she would like to tell the President of the United States if she had the opportunity to speak with him. Her response was quick, and from the hip. Something she is quite well known for. "I'd say Dub, (George W Bush), The time has come to pull your head out of your ass, and our troops out of Iraq!"

It is the private times in my mind, with my eyes closed, that I see all things. B.G.Clark in a letter to Emily, a family friend.

It is hard to be a happy person if you are not a decent person. Jerry Springer, January 23, 2006

"How long will it take you to realize that you cannot understand life unless you spend some time there?" B.G. Clark on therapeutic intervention

"One of the many measures of success is to live wherever you want to live."
B.G. Clark

"I don't want to deal with reality, I just want to bitch . "
B.G. Clark August 23, 2005

Those who will give up liberties for the assurance of safety deserve neither liberty or safety. Benjamin Franklin

"Of course people don't want war. But... voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of their leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism, and for exposing the country to greater danger." Hermann Goebbels, Minister of Propaganda, The Nazi Party, 1939

Our lives are better left to chance, I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance...... "The Dance" Garth Brooks A reflection of the greatness of love and it's loss.

Hot Chocolate is not just a chocolate bar in a cup. Thomas G. Betancourt, Grandson, age 12, May 29th, 2006

So this is what you get. You send a young man or woman to war, force them into killing or being killed, and this is what you get. Decades later it is a festering sore. If it does not change one's life profoundly and grow exponencially, then he or she is asleep while awake.
B.G. Clark, March 29, 2006 on the effects of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

"They told you that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. What they did not tell you is that it is best seen with the eyes closed. What you look like isn't important. What is important is who you are inside and the choices you are making in your life." Tiana Tozer-1992 Paralympic silver and 1996 bronze medalist, women's wheelchair basketball.

In a conversation about taking my grandson Tommy shopping for his birthday, he asked innocently: "So what do I do Grandpa? Do I just shop until I max out your credit card?"

All of us feel pain. We feel rejected, ashamed, loss of a loved one, hurt from others, and a million other reasons. Some of that pain we choose to manufacture, by giving power and permission for others to hurt us. Without our permission, we cannot be hurt. Choose wisely your pain, decide it's depth and hurt, through growth. B.G. Clark on Marraige and Family Counseling.

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather a skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming "Wow! What a ride!"

I was blown away by so many great professors and teachers. It seemed as if I had been blind. Looking on the inside, into a mirror that does not exist. Probably for the first time seeing myself. The inside has no mirror, yet it reflects upon every bit of you, it is the reflection that you have been, and the reality that you are looking for, Insight. This was an awesome time, great men have called it "The Awakening." It is an incredibly insightful journey that you are beginning. A personal path that only you can walk. All the sensory input is set aside, you are within yourself. And your brain is like the galaxy, with billions and billions of answers. How exciting my life had suddenly become. B.G. Clark on the concept of cognitive-dissonance, and it’s understanding.

What does it take to respect another's culture? Does it take some sort of cognitive adaptation on our part? An effort to sit and listen, to sit and learn perhaps. So how different are they? Although they are the same, their experience in our world is quite different. Our reality has no other option than to be who we are and, comfortable in being there. There is always the opportunity to blend, to agree to disagree on many levels. Respect. I do not understand the need to discount those who are different than we are. B.G. Clark

"Genious has no personality." Albert Einstein

Speaking on his thoughts about the simplicity of relativity, Einstein said, (paraphrasing), "If you spend and hour and a glass of wine with a beautiful woman, it appears to be but only a rapid moment, spend the same amount of time under the scortching sun of the desert, with no water, and it seems an eternity."

I am a soldier, and I will balance my mission with compassion. I don’t “hate” the enemy. I have met him many times in different circumstances and situations. There have been times when I have shared my C-rations with a prisoner, and lit his cigarette for him, his hands tied behind his back. I was not popular with some of the soldiers. But I had rank, so most of it was never directed at me. Whenever I had the chance I talked to guys about how I felt, and the things I have seen, and wondered how it had changed me.

When you come up on a wounded enemy, he is frightened, he has grievous injuries, he feels death is near. Will you taunt him? Kick him, call him a “gook”? Can a heart be that cold? Who taught us to hate? And, why did we buy into it? I feel truly used, a blind patriot. My own people, Americans are hating me. They Call us baby killers. A letter home, Christmas 1969

And today, 35 yrs passed, I deeply apologize to those who knew better, and marched the marches. And my deepest of apologies to the peoples of Viet Nam. B.G. Clark

"Even after all this time the sun never says to the earth,'you owe me.' look what happens with a love like that. It lights the whole world."~hafiz

"There is a difference between being a pacifist and a victim, there is a difference in being armed and dangerous. I consider myself to be an armed pacifist." Speaking on the issue of carrying a concealed weapon. K.D. Clark 17 March 2oo6

While having a conversation with Karen about freedom, and true liberty she made the following observations:

"Dogs never think about holding their farts, and further, have no concept of why they should." This applies to humanity itself, Rapists, Criminals, Spouse abuse, Robberies, simple rudeness. If only we could get beyond the animal instincts of our primitive brains and genetic memories, we might have a better world. It all comes down to holding your farts, and having some self discipline.

There is a wall to my right, to my left is the biggest of the three, my center is yielding. Situation, Excellent, I am prepared to attack. B.G. Clark, speaking on the importance of being a non victim.

It is not wise to laugh in the presence of a Mesmerist, they are easily offended and most dangerous in their subtleness. We live surrounded by hypnogogic reasoning. B.G.Clark on the importance of cognitive living.

When you find yourself trapped in a cage with a tiger, you quickly learn in which direction to stroke its fur. Chinese Proverb

The majesty of the mountains preserve the heritage of our beginnings. They enhance the beauty of my present and inspire my future. Near the sacred peak of Tava everything reveals it's most essential meaning, it's interdependency of all nature. B.G Clark~~~ on the allure of nature.

As long as an enemy's apprearance is familiar, his victory is assured. An assumption could really ruin your day. B.G. Clark on the principles of not being a victim.

The Way I See It

The good life is the middle way, between: Ambition and Compassion, action and reflection, company and solitude, hedonism and abstinence, passion and judgement, a cup of coffee and a glass of wine.

Jay McInerney, Author, The Good Life

There is a moment just before my hand touches the honey pot that is much more enjoyable than the actual taste of honey on my lips, and I don't know what that moment is called.

-----Winnie the Pooh

That, is "anticipation" -----Christopher Robbins

I find it very difficult to understand the person who travels a hundred or even a thousand miles to admire our pristine mountains and it's wildlife, while proceeding to litter it with garbage, bottles, and beer cans. B.G. Clark

Your mind lives a completely different reality and exhistance, then your perceived reality of the world. K.D.Clark

I used to walk around thinking about how people were so messed up. Over the years I have come to realize that it is not them. They are all just part of my bag of pet peeves. B.G. Clark

The Hindu religion believes that human beings are the dreams of Gods, but through scientific exploration we have come to believe that Gods are the dreams of man.---Carl Sagan



One day, a great, great, great, grandchild will read the words that came from his bloods brain, living in antiquity. (on a note to my daughter about the importance and value that our decendence will place upon our words)


Age is simply this: It is our celluar evolution fueled by our Sedentary, alcohol, smoking, non exercise lifestyle. B.G. Clark

I'm sure the funeral was a trying experience for you, and your family as well. One can never be prepared, even with notice, isn't that true? We thought they would live forever. Why did they leave us now when they have so much value? So much more to teach and be observed? If my last day was today, my music teacher Jon would say, yesterday I taught him about the rabbit bushes in his yard and how to properly trim ponderosa pines and aspen. And I would be a happy man. We are saddened by the loss, and fail to see the life of memories and learning's given. I think we cry for ourselves and not celebrate the fruit of their life that still grows in the minds of the youth. They will live forever.

B.G. Clark to Emily in condolences to her grandfather, June 21,2007

It is not difficult to become depressed. Life's trauma brings acute dperession that can hang on for days or months. Yet at times depression can be present without any connection to an event. At those times you are in mourning for who and what you are. B.G. Clark on the one year anniversary of my friend Cynde's death.

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person.When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind! but friendship is clairvoyant.

Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.

Anonymous, July, 2007

Respect the little chipmunk. He is a survivor, he walks the same path of the great grizzly bear and faces the same peril. B.G.Clark

This morning I watched as a little cotton tail rabbit raced and played tag with a black tufted squirrel. The antics went on and on. A bear visited last night, he left a huge pile by our field. And you look at me and say I am poor? The masses are hypnotized by the overwhelming sensory input of the world. As a race, we have become desinsitized to what is actually real in our lives, what is and has been here since the beginning of time. Things that last. A plethora of species on a unique planet that at one time provided for all. Lending itself to newness, encouraging species adaptation, and a balance of life. Tell me, when is the last time you just sat and looked in wonder at a bug or a flower? If you have not, it is you that is poor my freind. We have become reactors. Our days are filled with reations to the deluge of sensory input. If I may give any advice, I will say this: If at all possible, make it a point to make someones day. Compliment their hat, their eyes, or their service to you. Anything. Hold the door for a mom and her baby. Kiss the sweet face of an animal and see if you don't feel the return of affection. Damn, come alert! Being lonely for me is walking with a person who is blind to all of this. Their conversations are forever and always about things that mean little to me, that they hold as baggage from a past transgression. B.G. Clark August 12, 2007

You have spoken to my heart. I see our troops in Iraq, Afghanistan, being threatened by Iran, and martial law imposed by Pakistan. I see a foolish attempt at economic blackmail that has lasted over 40 yrs in Cuba, and diplomatic relationships in far more repressive nations. I see our world dying before our very eyes, and pray that I will die before it does. I too am saddened. My only enlightenment is that I understand that this has probably happened before, millions of years ago prior to recorded history. Like any other organism the world will die and renew itself. In our time it is millions, perhaps billions of years, yet in cosmic time is it but the blink of an eye. Humanity will not survive it's killing of the earth, extinction in inevitable.

And then.... the little birds brush me as they fly by in a peanut butter frenzy to be the first, and my squirrels chatter with me begging for peanuts. The mule deer watch silently as I pass by, without fear, and I can feel them, actually feel them inside me. Freedom from thought, worry, now that is true freedom.

I am sorry, you have found me on a soap box this morning. saddened and angered at the world's plight. I want to smoke a big cigar (I don't smoke), drink a large snifter of Maker's Mark Whiskey, sit on a rock and say fuck it, just fuck it. I am much to sensitive to my surroundings.

In the early years it was about me. My little bubble, and all the things that affected ME. I guess I have walked a few miles. Those things are still important, but less so than the sadness that I feel for this planet. How insignificant I am in the true sense of time and place.

And this too shall pass, right? Bear with me, and allow my sorrow for now.

B.G.Clark, a letter written 6 November, 2007

My Dearest Friends,

You NEVER know when you are looking into the face of God. When I look into the eyes of a large Doe that frequents our property, I think about this. When I feed the chick-a-dees and watch the nut-hatchers come so close, I think of this. I think of this most when I look into the unknown sadness of children's eyes, or the eyes of those who are forced into subservience. I have throughout my life taken the side of those who stand alone. I can be moved into flashed anger by the disrespect of others toward those who fear to strike back. Very early in my life I was the little boy with the books. A special person took my hand and became my guide.

On September 7th of this year he died (Russell Newell, Dover, NH). I had visited briefly last year, and knew the end was near. I made sure he knew about the impact he had on my life, and allowed him memories that weren't exactly as they were. At his passing, I felt a brief sense of being alone in the world, without course. Then I remember who I am, and where I have been, and the impact that I have had on others. Some good some, not so good. My promise to this world is that I will do far more good than bad. That I will never judge those by the color of their skin, their education, or social standing. That I will, when I can do the right thing without rescuing them, lead, guide and direct in a patient manner.

Today you have touched my heart.

Rocky, written in a letter to my dear freinds Skip and JoAnn Coyne

In the 1920's, a new woman was born. She smoked, drank, danced and voted. She cut her hiar, wore make-up and went to petting parties. She was giddy and took risks. She was a Flapper.. OH Dah'lin!

The time has come, there is a fork in the road, we must become enlightened or face extinction.

There are no coincidences, it is our maker tapping us on the shoulder, being anonymous.

No matter where you go, there you are..... ("Rocky it took me years to understand that.").

Throughout this cold or whatever it is, I have become prone to almost lucid dreaming in a thrashing, sleepless, rapid experience of mixed subjects and emotions. Somehow I feel that it is a passage. Something that everyone does, reflections, picking up the tossed off baggage and looking at it a bit, being ashamed, afraid, depressed, sorry, a plethora of feelings. I find myself asking myself for forgiveness, and wanting a fresh start (to history?). I wonder if everyone does this, is it a bus stop in our lives?

"Free at last, Free at last, Thank God Almighty, I am free at last."

Free from whom? Myself?

Epiphany

It is in the middle of monsoon season, and the sheets of rain are so thick that they impede your sight to 20-30 feet even with the forest canopy above. We were to set up an ambush some 3 clicks (a little under two miles) beyond a rice paddy that was known to be a favorite hiding place for one specific unit of the Viet Cong. We weren't expecting much action, and never expected an ambush to happen.

We set up a rectangular kill zone with an M-60 machine gun close to the trail, one on the front left and rear right so as not to be sending bullets at one another. Small arms, M-79's (grenade launcher), and claymore mines were on each side of the trail, about 5 meters in. Anyway, we were tired, we were wet, and we wanted a cigarette real bad. Rules of the ambush team: tape your dog tags, absolutely no rattling of gear, no talking, and no smoking - especially at night, don't be sneezing or coughing. A cigarette glow can be seen forever on a dark night. Cigarette smoke will waft though the jungle, staying under the forest canopy for thousands of feet, surely piquing the interest of those that could engage us. Fucking rain, fucking snakes … fucking Viet Nam.

Earlier in the squad hooch (a hole in the ground with sand bag walls and roofs), we listened to the platoon leader. "Don't be fucking heroes guys, it's fucked up muddy, and Charlie AIN'T going to want to fuck with you. Carry your load. In this rain and being a heavily armed squad, Charles will want to go around you." I sure as hell hoped so.

Anyway, back to the woods. It's about 4 AM, the dead hour, the hour before the early light changes the landscape. I was miserable, I itched, I was wet from head to toe, and fatigues clung to my skin making any position unbearable. Just one more hour, I thought, one more miserable fucking hour, I could do it standing on my head. But I didn't have to fucking like it.

In an instant, a micro second, everything changed. From one reality to another, a moment that I see clearly as yesterday, a moment 36 years ago.

I heard a small "click" in the forest, off to my left front. My heart jumped and I was instantly frightened, frozen, trying to listen through the rain. Seconds were like minutes; my hair was standing on the back of my neck. My guts were knotted and I needed to piss. And then, there he was, 20 feet away, his shadow moving slowly, searching, for us. I saw another about eight feet behind the first, and switched the selector from semi auto to "rock and roll" strafing from right to left. The first guy went down quick, and the second was gone as far as I could tell. The squad, used to going from sleep to action was tearing up the area, setting off claymores, throwing grenades, and laying down firepower. Unknown to us, it was a sizable formation. I had been hit in the right thigh by what appeared to be a ricochet, and one of the guys had been hit in the right shoulder. We had popped smoke and radioed for air support and medevacs. By this time we are under heavy incoming fire that was slowly performing a "spread" to encircle us. "Fuck this" I though, a veteran's favorite saying. "Fuck it". I was no longer afraid; I was calmer than I had ever been. Not good for a soldier I think. We worked for maybe 15 minutes to cut them off before the gun ships rolled in. Three AH-1G, "cobras" rolling in with 20 mm Cannons and 7.62 Mini guns blazing, tearing out sections of bamboo with their 17 lb HE (high explosive) rockets. With their help we set up a working perimeter and an LZ (landing zone) for our medevacs and extraction birds. Loading the medevacs, with crew help, it mattered not which side you were on. We also medevac'd the enemy wounded and carried out bodies.

In less than 20 minutes the UH-1 that picked me up was rotating into the 93 rd Evacuation Hospital at Long Binh, leaches still attached to my wet body, my blood mixed with mud and sweat. My combat injury was slight, but when they examined me they found that from a previous injury I had gotten a serious infection, so I got a mandatory two days in the hospital to administer antibiotics.

A soldier was brought in after having hours of surgery, a communist soldier. He was placed on the cot beside mine. He had obviously been hit in the chest and had been through a lot of shit in the OR, sleeping now. He was Viet Cong, the enemy. The hospital was a Quonset hut, with one row of flimsy folding beds on each side. Perhaps 60 beds total. The beds were close. I laid awake in the dimness of the night watching him, listening to his fight for air. Hours passed, I might have slept, but I don't think so. He was awake in the morning, but heavily sedated. Our eyes met … mine of sorrow, his of pain and fear. Through our broken Vietnamese and English, I learned that he had been wounded in an ambush the night before, the very first one hit in an ambush. With the first shot fired, he lay bleeding, surely to die but for the courageous pilots, and the kindness of an enemy. Then it hit me, it was my bullet, he was laying there because of me. Some of the orderlies were rude and rough with him. I would pull rank and chew their asses. He wasn't married but really liked this girl in the village of Long Thanh. That is where he was forced into the Viet Cong under the fear of his family’s death. His family would survive if he would fight. If he declined, his family, his pig, chickens, cats, dogs, would be killed and his village burned. He had been in the unit for almost a year.

That night, in the dim light, I sat on the floor beside his bed and opened a Playboy Magazine. He had never seen colored pages, and certainly not a naked round eye (Caucasian) girl. One time I went to flip the page and his weak hand stopped me. He was transfixed on a page that showed a busy New York City street, and then just as quickly, he slept.

I think he knew the bullet was mine; he touched my hand, a gesture of friendship, forgiveness. I sat there for a bit, closed the magazine and lay on my bed, again listening to him breath. I slept hard, dreaming crazy dreams, dreams where I die. Dreams that when I die, I feel atonement. I woke with a poke from a corpsman, telling me that breakfast was not long away, and the bed beside me was empty. I asked the corpsman about it. "The Gook croaked man." I grabbed a wheelchair and went out into the sun. I don't know how long I cried, I don't care.

That moment, that experience, that day … forever changed my life. From that moment, I knew we were wrong.

No war is just. That one single casualty has had impact on many. This moment in time should forever change humanity.

I was a soldier, and would see many things during two tours in Viet Nam. I did what I felt needed to be done at that time. I will not say that there are no "ghosts" for me. I do have difficulty understanding that 20 year old Buck Sergeant. Understanding the times I had to go "behind my eyes" and just function. It has not come clear to me yet. How could I have possibly been so unaware? To blindly follow without question. That is sooo 1960's, the only people that were right were smoking pot and listening to the music of peace. And we shot them at Kent State, we beat them in the streets. What the hell has gone wrong ge0-politically? Are we to let religion decide who is good and who is bad? Why do some protestants hate catholics and vice versa? They kill each other. It is because of the "trappings" of religion and the law that has it's goundings in religion. Allah doesn't want us dead, zealots do. And yet we send hate. I must be so stupid as to not understand all this.

Florissant Valley and Fish creek

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An Early Spring in the Rockies

The camping in the wilderness areas is starting early this year. This morning we came upon a smoldeering fire and bee cans scattered aound a site not far from the road. Trash had been hauled out, and the fire was for the most part covered and protected appropriately. Sometime on our hikes we find literal trash heaps that campers leave behind. In those cases we just come home, get the pickup and go on a trash run. If we see active campers we make sure they are aware of any fire ban issues and offer them black trash bags if they have none.
I can't tell you the things we have come up on, deep in the trees, far from roads. I guess they backpack all the stuff in and trash an area for a while. We do have Veterans in the woods here, but most of thier campsites are hidden, and well taken care of. Besides, who wants to mess with a veteran hiding in the woods from society? Have you ever looked a combat veteran in the eye? Feel uncomfortable? We call it the 1000 yard stare. You don't want to be saying things that might piss them off. According to some reports, the Seattle Area and this area of the Pike National Forest have a very high population of these men. They bother no one. They served their country and just want to be left to themselves. If you aren't looking, you probably won't see them. Rarely do they ever make contact in the woods. I went to a meeting once in a small mountain community put on by the VA. There were several men there who lived in the forest. One said he hadn't been out in 6 months. Another asked me "is this really happening, I mean are we really here?" The VA did a good thing, offering help to those who wanted it, and buying coffee and a good breakfast for those who just wished to be there.
Sometimes the beer cans, spent cartridges, bottles get to me. Then I figure, whatever, I take care of it. So, every morning it is a backpack and plenty of bags. If you hiked our area you would call it pristine, That gives me great pride.

A lifetime of pain, an early death - Eloise Mae Smith Dec 23 / June 65

This is a picture of my mother, taken in 1964 at age 41. For all intents and purposes, looking at her family and in retrospect, they were lower middle class to poor. I don't know the dynamics of the family, it was never talked about. I wish I knew how far she went in school, and did she quit to help the family as so many did? I do know this, and only because of the training and experience I have had in the medical field, my mother was not well. When I reflect upon my youth, I see a woman tormented by Bi Polar Disorder (the old Manic Depressive diagnosis), I watched both stages of manic behavior and extreme depressive states. As a child I was confused, actually used the word "hate" on many occasion due to the confusion and conflict in my own mind. She was also plagued with Chrones Disease, a genetic disorder that effects the mucus membranes, like mouth sores, ulcerative colitis, and many, many other immune deficient disorders that are exacerbated by stress.

Undiagnosed, and unmedicated in the fifties and sixties the stress from her Bi Polar disorder drove her to aclohol. She didn't know it, she was medicating herself, trying to stop the noise in her head and the pervasive thoughts, nagging thoughts, of being much less than another. She appeared unhealthy throughout her time, her skin ruddy, her body bloated. At 42 years old she went into the New England Baptist Hospital, in Boston, for a proctoscopic evaluation, she had blood in her stool and sores that wouldn't heal. A benign pollup was found and removed. In those years it was a major surgery requiring opening the abdomen. Now it's done with a pencil sized tube and a camera the size of a dime. Her operation had taken place near a weekend, and on Sunday my dad and I went to see her. We were told that the operation was successful and her recovery would be 7-9 days. She looked at me that day like she was seeing me from a totally different perspective, there was a connection that I had never seen before, like she cared (she had never shown love, hugged, or anything). She said to me, "You take care of yourself." as I walked out the door of her hospital room.

On Monday morning very early the phone rang, I was the only one there. My mother had died, she was 42, a blood clot had moved to her brain or heart, there were no anti-coagulants back then. I had just turned 16, it began a new chapter in my life, and very little insight until years later. If I had only understood what I understand now? So many years of hate and anger holding me down, when it could have been understanding and compassion. I think I shall never forgive myself and my selfishness.

Eloise Mae 1923-1965 Rest in peace mother, you did the best you could with what you were given. Rocky