Compiling all statements in one place

My name is Karen DeEtte Clark. Bruce Gilbert Clark, BG Clark, Rocky Clark (all the same person, known by many names to many people throughout the world) was my husband, my one true love, my soul mate. We were together for 34 years and experienced many adventures throughout the world.

Due to has severe PTSD (from Viet Nam) which we kept under check through constant council and medications and false accusations which resulted in legal problems for us both, Rocky took his own life on 26November2011. It has taken me this long to get myself together enough to tackle this task.

I have compiled all his statements from Classmates.com, Twitter and Facebook. I want one place where his children, his friends, and myself can go to "hear his words" and to learn from his past and his view of the world.

He was a wonderful man who began in a poor, emotionally confused setting; was lifted up from that beginning to find his physical strength through amateur boxing; he fought for his country in the US Army to the best of his ability (bestowed with several Bronze stars and countless other awards); became a well respected psychotherapist, taught hypno-operant therapy to medical doctors and other mental health professionals; had a very successful private practice in Killeen/Georgetown/Austin, Texas until he realized that his partner's moral ideals did not agree with his and he gave it all up to go back to work for the Federal Government which transferred us to Colorado Springs in 1989 where we stayed until his retirement in 1997. He spent a year in Mexico (Tiacapan and Puerto Vallerto areas) to clear his head and returned in late 1998 when we moved to Florissant (in the mountains so he could have his peace and be close to Nature which he held in high respect).

He had a purpose: to protect animals (both domestic & wild), to help people by spreading love and "unconditional positive regard", and to be my hero. He had a gruff exterior at times, but he was actually quite sensitive. He had experienced things in his war career that he felt he must correct and the only way he knew to do that was to help others as much as he possibly could. While in Mexico, he bought medicines for poor families who's children were ill, he gave clothing to the locals, he gave bags of rice and beans (because they would not accept money) to assure they would eat, he learned the language so he could interact with them and understand their plight.

He always took time to notice people who appeared stressed or forlorn and would offer them an encouraging word or a genuine smile. He wanted, so much, to help others see that the world can be a beautiful place.

We both had searched our entire lives for the answers to "the human plight" and to understand religion. We had attended several churches and read innumerable books on the subject (Disciples of Christ, Baptist, Catholic, Methodist, Unity, Judaism, Hindu, Buddhist). We both felt a spiritual calling which resonated with His Holiness the Dali Lama. Many of Rocky's statements reflect that spirituality.


FROM CLASSMATES.COM:

I wrote a story here a while back, but it seems to have gone somewhere out into the atmosphere...So...another attempt. After leaving high school I went directly into the Army. After short tours and bread and butter school I made it into the liaison business... As a liaison for the Aviation units deployed in Vietnam, I had the opportunity to visit 106 units from the Delta to the DMZ. Two tours later I came home with injuries that have caused some issues in my life. I went back to college, this time I buckled down and found my niche in the field of psychopathology and psychiatric social work. I retired at 48 as the Director of an agency for the government. Along the way I dabbled and served in many field positions. I now live at 9000 ft in the Colorado Rockies with my wife Karen, our dogs Hannah and Haley and a plethora of horses. A quiet life, one that brings me close to the earth. I never belonged in the hallowed halls of the decision makers, but never knew it until I retired. For those of you that remember me, I never became the boxer that I thought I might become. It seems that brain cells became much more important to me. I have two girls, 37 and 40 with 7 grandchildren all living within 60 miles. Try as they might, I don't like leaving the mountains and driving to the flatland, or as I like to say,
"The Evil Empire". I prefer the solace of the mountains and the animals that keep me busy. I have lost three yrs of memory. Strangely enough, it is the yrs in high school. Memories that occurred before injuries in Southeast Asia. I would deeply appreciate contact with some old friends and acquaintances. Would you be so kind to maybe tell me some incidents that may jog my memory of the past? I am not pre-Alzheimer nor am I suffering from some sort of involutional psychosis. Through sustained combat, I have just somehow lost that part of my past. Your kindness is appreciated.
Bruce (Rocky) Clark
9.22.11
Went for a wonderful early morning ride this morning. Used my King Ranch endurance saddle rather that Karen's RCMP. I like the RCMP better; I'm going to have to get me one. Frost was on the ground and the horses were all full of piss and vinegar, had to talk them down for about twenty minutes. The crisper the air, the more rambunctious they become. Pappy was so relaxed that he was falling asleep on the trail. Karen had her hands full with the big mustang; sometimes he gets a little demanding. Ordered new cinch and girth strap for Pappy online. He's bigger than a pony yet smaller than a conventional quarter horse, about 14.2. Was having some saddle slip. Now it's time to sit back in the sun a little and contemplate dinner. But it is only 1:40 PM.....this retired life is pretty stressful.
9.25.11
Ran into a herd of Mulies and a few elk last night on an early evening ride. Sherm and I took off trail to Blue Mountain and back through the loop. Little Pappy was sure footed as ever, he is probably one of the best horses on the trail that I have ever ridden. I think today it will be a quad day. I want to explore some areas in the south to see if they are horse worthy rides. Our small property borders the Pike National Forest; it would take 50 yrs to explore it all. In the past 12 yrs I have only ridden and explored perhaps 2000 acres of it, a bit at a time, only about 98,000 acres to go. To clarify, the acreage that I am exploring is the Pike National Forest, BLM land (Bureau of Land Mgmt).
10.7.2011
We are expecting the first snow today, they say we are to get some 4-8 inches, and then it will be back in the sixties for the rest of the week. Got to get the deck furniture in for the year and close up the little greenhouse. Karen likes building projects and the downstairs is a plethora of tools and junk. She is building in bookcases, Murphy beds, and turning part of it into a studio for her painting. Winter projects are underway! Tomorrow will be a tractor day, dragging the blade around.
10.13.11
Beautiful days!
Yesterday it was sunny in the fifties when we saddled Big George and Blossom. Karen and I went out with two other riders. Big George is a "dressage" thoroughbred, a jumper. Blossom is a small Arab rescued from the race track. To be sure, they are both a handful for the first twenty
minutes or so. We weaved through the ponderosa pines and followed several animal trails through the forest. It was a beautiful ride. I'm doing some saddle repair today, fitting new girths and cinches. To all the new people who have visited my page, thank you and the best of health and happiness to you.
10.30.11
I have been getting a lot of riding in. The days have been wonderful. I often thought that retirement would be a boring lifestyle. Truthfully, I have so many honey-dos and bucket list activities; I hardly get a chance to watch Jerry Springer! Thanks to those who have stopped by and read the ramblings of an old man... (are we old?).
11.17.11
A short story for you that I heard many years ago. Two monks are walking a path, the path of knowledge. They come upon a stream where there is a young lady afraid to cross with her infant child. Without hesitation, the older monk picks her up and carries her across. They walk for several days before the young monk says "We are bonded to never touch a member of the opposite sex, you have broken that vow." It took several hours before the older man responded, "I carried her for 5 minutes, how long have you been carrying her?" We all carry baggage from our past. I know that mine is heavy. I would like to empty the bag and ask forgiveness for any and all that I have caused harm, intentionally or not intentionally. You might ask if I follow the
teachings of the Dahlia Llama. The answer would be yes. Namaste
01-07-12
It is with great sorrow that I, Karen Clark (wife of Bruce "Rocky"
Clark), inform you all that Bruce passed from this place on 26Nov11. He is somewhere with the many past Buddhas "walking his path". I hike his cherished forest with our dogs and we feel his presence. I haven't found the strength to ride, yet. Perhaps spring will help with that. Thank you all for caring about him and may you find your oneness with the universe. Namaste


FROM FACEBOOK:

Bruce Clark Nov 05 2011 General

Back in the trees! After a disastrous horse incident in June I spent several weeks in wheel chairs, walkers and on crutches. I guess I was in critical condition when they admitted me on June 26th of this year. Those damn mustangs are hard to read! Anyway, I am back in the saddle again, and headed for the trees this morning. It's a little windy and cool but
it does my heart good. I have been back since the end of August, but choose
which horse carefully. I will be riding Pappy today, a little quarter horse
that is very forgiving. I call him my Cadillac. Karen is having lunch in the
Springs and I can't think of a better way to spend the day. My friend Sherman
will be on his big mustang Nelson. I hope y'all are having a good life and
experiencing wonderful things. If I have learned anything at all in 62 yrs, I
have learned this, you can either ride on the bus or you can drive it. Happy
Trails!

Bruce Clark Oct 30 2011 General

Rocky Mountain High! Living in the mountains, in the shadow of Pikes Peak, requires an adjustment in thinking and lifestyle. When I say I live at 9000 ft I always get asked if I have a bathroom or running water! How funny, I live in a wonderful comfortable home, yes, with a well, hell, I even have electricity! Of course a 4 wheel drive vehicle is a necessity; my suburban and pickup do well. If I can't get out with them, there is always a horse! No sirens at night, no teenage racers up and down the dirt road. No crime that I can remember in the past 12 yrs. Although I did see a coyote jaywalking last year. My town has no street lights and a few stop signs on the dirt roads. Do I miss the big city? Hell no, you can keep the evil empire as far as I'm concerned. Am I religious, no, I tend to read Buddhist tradition; it's the only one without fairy tales. Am I happy, far and away what I thought I might be? Seventeen miles to the grocery store, uphill. I hope that answers some of the questions. I have solace, peace of mind, and no traffic!

FROM TWITTER:

Coringrat-Rocky Clark

Collateral damage is a fact of war. Yamamoto understood this
as did Ho Chi Minh. Collateral Damage exceeds warrior deaths. Namaste 24 Nov11

I want to see what is not seen while I am observing. I want
to hear the words that are not being spoken. Enlightenment. 21 Nov11

The simple sound of a hoof beat can calm the complicity of
my stressors. I am able to ride into a new world of peace. Namaste 15 Nov11

The world begins and ends for thousands each day. Do not
fear the end, it is your beginning. Namaste 14 Nov11

While raking the horse paddock with my tractor, I couldn't
help but get dirt in my ears. Such is life, denied. Namaste 13 Nov11

Do not deny dreams of pleasurable things, do not scold
yourself. It is a way to experience the world in safety. Namaste 3 Nov11

It is when my eyes are closed that I see things more
clearly. Other senses just tend to clutter my mind. Don't be fooled, I am not
sleeping. 20 Oct11

We are born alone, live alone and die alone. It is only our senses
that tell us otherwise. Namaste 18 Oct11

Repair our wounded birds, and return them with heavy, happy
hearts to their lives. There when needed, and smiled upon our last days.
Namaste 20 Sep11

It has been a while. Healing nicely. Ready to ride again.
Yearning for my solace in the forest. 6 Sep11

Innocence is the smell of fresh cut hay in Harold Preston’s'
Barn, being too little to climb into the loft. Melancholy. 3 Aug11

In Washington it is politics as usual. I cannot understand
how a company can make $14.000.000.000 and pay zero takes when I am taxed on
.40 29 Jul11

I am walking better today; it is going to take some time to
heal. You find out who your friends are when you are hurt. 26 Jul11

After a disastrous fall I am on a walker and back on the
keys. I thought I was invincible. No so says my old bones. 5 Jul11

The horses met a bear today. Big deal dad, he smells funny! 18 Jun11

What is it about the smell of fresh manure that tethers me
to the earth? 16 Jun11

Must I worry about the 95% of things that never happen in
the future? Plan for my actions and responses? What a waste of time. 6 Jun11

Kindness is rewarded by loyalty which is not to be abused.
Respect and gentleness is the bed of the seedling. Be wary of infidelity. 26 May11

I am beginning to understand the spirit of the American
Mustang. He responds to kindness and respect, just as we do. He teaches me. 20 May11

You would not believe the blessings that have been bestowed
upon me. I seek only to give, yet have received so much. I am deeply humbled. 16 May11

We have the ability to observe all others but ourselves, for
that we must rely upon the mirror or upon others. 11 May11

Friends can cause you pain with unintended words. It is
important to remember that they love you. Unintention is unintention. 6 May11

The death of Osama BL marks only the end of a chapter. Now
is time for contemplation and to begin to understand the next page of living. 4 May11

CDK255091-KD
Clark

I celebrate no one's death. Osama reaped what he sowed. The
world needs peace & love, not fear & hatred. Spread your truth with
compassion. 2 May11

Coringrat-Rocky Clark

I believe tolerance to be my downfall. I find it most
difficult for me during times of stress. Vigilance is a priority. 28 Apr11

CDK255091-KD
Clark

We all have a dream that with love-everything is like
silk-but the reality is that marriage requires a lot of compromise.-Raquel
Welch 25 Apr11

Coringrat-Rocky Clark

One must use caution when telling someone their house is on
fire, and in the next breath speak about the solace of their gardens. 24 Apr11

I constantly remind myself that I am singular and control my
destiny by my actions or inactions. If only my inner cheerleader were stronger. 23 Apr11

It is best to show unconditional positive regard and
encouragement to those who may be lost. Forgive them their blindness. 19 Apr11

You cannot walk up to a man in the woods and tell him he is
lost if he does not think so, he will argue his path. How often have I done so? 19 Apr11

Each and every one of us has a wish and a right to
happiness. Walk carefully, we are our biggest saboteurs. We alone choose our
path. 17 Apr11

The early morning quiet of the morning forest teases me to
fly to past and future places. Quiet observation brings hope and solace. 14 Apr11

It has taken me years to understand that sometimes saying
nothing at all is really all I need to say. My flashes of anger are my
weakness. 13 Apr11

CDK255091-KD
Clark

We all have our own beliefs & I dare not impose mine on
another; however, each needs to ponder how our actions help and/or harm others. 13 Apr11

Coringrat-Rocky Clark

There is a proper time for all things, some are always. True
generosity and kindness are among them. Our inner self glows when we observe. 12 Apr11

CDK255091-KD
Clark

When you are on the verge of an impromptu nap, just go with
it. Listen to your body & let it function as it desires. Feed it wisely. 10 Apr11

Coringrat-Rocky Clark

Have you ever watched people in a long line at the grocery
store and wonder their thoughts? Are they just angry? Time is passing. 9 Apr11

It is your world, Created with perception. You choose what
enters your door and what influences guide you. Greatness surrounds you. 8 Apr11

The powers of introspection are with us all. The very first
step to enlightenment is awareness of self, and how others are viewed. 7 Apr11

Reach out to those in need. Give freely what you can afford.
Blessings be upon you for lightening the load of those less fortunate. 6 Apr11

Random, unsummoned and unwanted thoughts are like unpaid
commercials using my mind. They take my power and weaken me. 4 Apr11

For every person we know and meet, we have a mask. Might it
be risky to slowly remove all of them? To replace with kindness and love? 3 Apr11

Give respect to the tiniest chipmunk, he lives the same
lifestyle as the mightiest bear. For him it is a predator/prey world. 2 Apr11

I am amazed at the meta-level communication, the unspoken
words that pass between us. How wonderfully connected we are.

CDK255091-KD
Clark

It is the "pure souls" (like animals and children)
who model unconditional love, guide us on our paths, and keep us sane in our
crazy worlds. 2 Apr11

Coringrat-Rocky Clark

The taking of any life diminishes the learning and growth of
another. 31 Mar11

It is difficult to listen with your mouth open, or to be
thinking about what you are going to say. Respect and hear. 30 Mar11

Honesty untempered by kindness and genuine concern is
nothing short of brutality. 29 Mar11

The majority of future things that cause us worry never come
to pass. You must not fight the fight until it is here. Worry gains us nothing. 29 Mar11

CDK255091-KD
Clark

All faults, when acknowledged, are steps to oneness. Read
& Enjoy "Radical Self-Esteem and Yoga" http://www.amyippoliti.com/2011/02/radical-self-esteem/
via @Amy_ippoliti 28 Mar11

Coringrat-Rocky Clark

Dwelling upon past transgressions is the creation of
baggage. Here and now, the treatment and the kindness to others, is of most
importance. 28 Mar11

Paths to enlightenment are illuminated by many lights,
kindness, compassion, generosity and genuine concern for all sentient beings. 27 Mar11

CDK255091-KD
Clark

We give and give looking for return. If only there was peace
in the act without expectation. Stop "trying" and make it so. Finally
- peace. 27 Mar11

Coringrat-Rocky Clark

Compassion has a cost; one must weather the condemnation of
many. Yet the kindness and its reward of peace and harmony grace your path. 26 Mar11

When treated unkindly one asks why. Understand that we teach
people how to treat us. They are merely a mirror of our expectations. 25 Mar11

How long will it take you to realize that you cannot
understand life unless you spend some time there? Come out from behind your
eyes. 24 Mar11

Hours spent in choice. Do you choose to be angry, stressed,
depressed? Or would you rather smile and see the beauty of the world around
you? 23 Mar11

CDK255091-KD
Clark

Life is like a situation comedy without the laugh track. Be
careful of misunderstandings; we are NOT all watching the same channel. 22 Mar11

After laboring to climb the mountain, we ask The Holy One:
"What is the meaning of life?:" He answers, "The meaning is in
the climb." 21 Mar11

Coringrat-Rocky Clark

All things have their time and place. Choose wisely when
chastising a dear friend. The price could be very high. Namaste 20 Mar11

As I age I become more troubled with the world and its
evolution, the changes are frightening. It is as if I feel the pain of
extinction. 17 Mar11

It is the private times, with eyes closed, that I see all
things. I map the route of kindness, tolerance and acceptance. 16 Mar11

The more I understand, the more I want to understand, to be
able to place it appropriately as to its weight and value. 15 Mar11

May the world respond with kindness and care to the Nation
of Japan. The world has changed, it changes forever. Blessings to all. 14 Mar11

CDK255091-KD
Clark

When the student is ready, the teacher will arrive. We are
all students and all teachers. Stay alert, open, and ready for your task. 13 Mar11

Coringrat-Rocky Clark

I am here because you are here, my impact, be it positive or
negative, may cause others to do great things. Vigilance is prudent. 12 Mar11

CDK255091-KD
Clark

What if we are ALL wrong & just "spinning our
wheels"? That seems like such a waste. Who and why are we? We are
Stardust-forever spinning. 11 Mar11

Coringrat-Rocky Clark

Most of us are ignorant to the idea that we are a fragile existence.
We are dust of the universe. Gifted with thought and wonder. 11 Mar11

I told a young child how beautiful she was today. She
blushed and thanked me. Her gift was her smile. An instant can change a life. 10 Mar11

In times of great sadness, I retreat to lick my wounds and
build the compassion needed to send love and kindness. Not a simple task. 10 Mar11

Many paths lead to enlightenment, yet the religions of the
world fight over who's right or wrong. The Dogma is repressive at best. 9 Mar11

Kindness and genuine concern is the conduit to universal
peace. Manipulation becomes the heavy bag carried on your shoulders. 8 Mar11

Step back behind your eyes and hear what is being said, it
will be different than what is being said. 6 Mar11

CDK255091-KD
Clark

There are No Black Belts in Yoga - Places to Yoga http://placestoyoga.com/there-are-no-black-belts-in-yoga/
via @placestoyoga 5 Mar11

The solace of the forest calms the agitation of the world
and brings us closer to inner peace. Experience Nature/gain peace/be open to
it. 5 Mar11

Coringrat-Rocky Clark

"Reality" is an individual word. Perception is
reality. It is how our brain interprets the world that surrounds us. It exists
because of us. 5 Mar11

Spring as a retiree is a totally different animal than when
I was young. Seeing all of the newborn things gives me great happiness. 2 Mar11

The weather has been awesome for February. The dogs are
rediscovering the forest. The promise of the first pasque, and spotted fawns. 2 Mar11

Your holiness, I find deep solace in your words and in your
writings. My days are much less hectic when I have read your words. Blessings 22 Feb11

The Picture

The meshing of insight, reception, and perception amaze me. I guess they should not, after all we are one of 6 Billion people on the planet. We are unique is as many ways as one can imagine. No one is like us.

It's kind of like the wife who hears the words from her husband , "What time is dinner?" One may hear "What the hell have you been doing all day?" And other may hear "I am hungry." It's all in the way of insight, reception, and perception. It's all in the hat.

Thirty years ago I was presenting a paper to the American Association of Hypno-operant Therapists, in New Orleans. While in the French Quarter, Jackson Square specifically, I sat for a charcoal on gray portrait of myself.

Over the years I have pondered this picture, this artists rendering of my present demeanor. For some reason, when I look at this picture I am reminded of the many miles I have been since it was put to paper. If I ponder, I am reminded of so many missed opportunities, to have done better. It examines me of that time and me of now. I take the opportunity to go inside and remember the many times I could have been a better person, of the many emotional highs and lows I have experienced. Am I a better person?

The artist was able to catch emotion and thought. It is not a flat piece of paper without dimension. It speaks to me, gives me insight to who that guy was. It is a many faceted portal of which I may walk, and hopefully have the insight for positive behavioral change.

My point is this: "Geez, why does this guy have a picture of himself on the wall."

Well, that's all you see.

Rocky

Thanksgiving day 2010

Today is Thanksgiving. It is a beautiful 27 degree day with little or no wind, and not a cloud in the sky. It is a day like this that calls to my connection to the earth.

I took the dogs out into the National Forest, 4 wheeling in for about two miles, parked the truck and we went on a walk about through the surrounding woods. They were crazy with the glee that only a puppy can show. They love the woods, and get to go there at least 3 days a week, sometimes 4. Karen stayed home to cook, but tomorrow and the weekend are supposed to be in the forties. At 9000 ft, that's a warm day. So, we will be in the woods probably every day for the next few days.



I can't figure out this North Korean offensive action with the shelling of that island two or three days ago. Are they provoking, thinking it might in some way help their economy? I don't get it. With the treaties that have been established with South Korea and the United States, it would surely put us at war again. Quite the mess huh? Onward and upward!



Haley, Hannah and Tink (two goldens and a poodle) are healthy and happy they're all sleeping after their little run.



Betty is doing well. I think this oxygen is helping her. She loves her little dog Tink and takes good care of her.



Since this is kind of a "diary" type entry maybe I should bring you up to speed. I have a 1993 F-150 pickup that I haven't washed but twice in the past 3 years or so. We rely upon a well up here, no city water or sewerage so we maintain a septic tank. Up until this year this was a dead area to cell phones due to our steep canyons and high mountain valleys. This, is NIRVANA.



I know that those who live in the great population centers like New York or Los Angeles where your neighbor is less than 8 feet from your window may not be able to relate. Maybe your view is just bricks. Does a baby from 4 floors up keep you awake? Do you sleep through the sound of a siren?



Almost like different planets, isn't it?



Robin is doing so good with MoJo (Robin is the young girl next door, and MoJo is a beautiful 26 yr old Bay gelding. For the past three months she has been feeding him, cleaning his pen, treating his hooves and giveing all kinds of special care to him. It is a beautiful relationship. MoJo is so very gentle and forgiving. He is a great riding horse and bonds with humans nicely. Hooking up Robin with the horses owner (at the owners request), was a life changing experience for her. She continues to grow exponencially. She is learning patience, difficult for a 14 yr old.



My life is rich with experiences that may seem small. My compassion is great, at times to the point of sadness. Happy Thanksgiving to all, and may the Universe bring you happiness.

A History for my Children

I was born on the 18th of February 1949, in Wentworth Douglas Hospital, Dover, Strafford County, New Hampshire. Laurice Gilbert Clark, (later to be discovered as Laurice G. Edgerly) and Eloise Mae Smith were to be my father and mother. Life is just a blip until my first memory and thoughts. It happened in a flash, my eyes were seeing now.

I was sitting in a walker. One of those springy things, a seat of canvass with four spidery legs and clear, hard plastic wheels. I could see the wall of a house, the studs and framing. Three people were nailing, what I now know to be tarpaper, to the outside of the house.

This was to be my home. A tar paper house with over-lapping roof shingles covering the whole house. They called them "tar paper shacks" back then. It was a way of describing one's station in life. "Laurice lives in a tarpaper shack out on Mast Road ya know?" is how it would have been conveyed. All the hidden messages were passed so cunningly in the New England vernacular.

The house was probably 20'X20' square, with a chimney in the center. On one side was a wood stove for cooking. Those big black ones with the Iron Spring lifters, and heavy plates over the holes. My father later converted it to fuel oil, burning wicks. On the other side of the Chimney was a "Ben Franklin", pot bellied stove. It would get to roaring so hard that the cracks in the metal would glow bright orange. I remember having all of three beds, one dresser, one sofa, one chair, a 3'X3' kitchen table with three squeaking, broken wood chairs, repaired with baling wire, around it, and one stool. That was the extent of our furniture and belongings.

There was a hand pump at the wooden sink, and beside it a mason jar filled with water from the last user to "prime" the water pump that went to our well. In the beginning there were oil lamps in every room with high glass chimneys. Winter days in New England are dark when there is no electricity.

A "thunder jug", or porcelain potty sat in one of the corners of the little house. It was white, and used as an indoor bathroom in the middle of cold winter nights. It became my job to empty it in the morning. I would drag it to the outhouse and hopefully do it without spilling any. Our outhouse was a hole in the ground at the end of the barn. What is now overgrown deciduous trees, was once large fields growing corn and other vegetables, along with an apple orchard. "The Woods" sat back about a football field's length from the back of the house. Our visitors were the vegetable truck that came by about twice a week and the ice truck that delivered large blocks to go into the top of our ice box. We had our own chickens and traded eggs for milk from the farmer next door. Life was simple, we had simple things.

My first school was Woodman Park, and my first teacher, Mrs. Garrish. . and Mrs. Hatch, an elderly mean woman who always scowled at us kids was my second grade teacher. Everyone was afraid of her. She yelled, alot. I remember that we sat at attention, and our desks had to be right on the lines of the floor boards. If it was off an inch, we were in trouble. In the third grade, at Pierce Street School, Mrs. Hoar looked just like George Washington's picture on the wall. She was very nice. Next came Sawyer Elementary, Horne Street Middle School and then, Dover High School. I wish I could say I was a good student but I can't. With little food in my stomach and an emotionally cold home, school was just something I had to do.

Nine days after graduation from high school I was at Ft Dix, New Jersey in Basic training. I was in the Army at the height of the Viet Nam war. I remember my mindset. I was not afraid, but excited and volunteered for Viet Nam. So, after basic training and advanced individual training I was off and running to Southeast Asia.

This, unfinished post was left by my wonderful husband. I, Karen DeEtte Clark, take the opportunity to publish one of his final works for his children and the world to see, enjoy, and through its words further understand him and his many idiosyncrasies. He will always be loved by those who knew him and missed by his family.

Where have I been? Geez!

I have been wanting to sit and write, and there is always something else going on, like me procrastinating. I think I may be back. So much time, so many miles. Some rough road. And it's all "my bad". Time to get ready for the gym, look for my next post. I need to finish "Saigon".

Rocky

The Greatest of Love and Loyalty Buck 1995-2009

I'm not sure where to begin. Life was over for me. Karen had left and now had her own apartment. She needed time to think. All I could think about was how I was responsible for it all. (We would happily re-unite) So I went to the local humane society to see the animals. I needed to connect, I needed to feel their sorrow and somehow stabilize mine. As I walked through the penned areas this young giant Golden Retreiver came to the fence and placed his nose through it to be touched. When I touched him I could feel his comfort at being connected. His eyes were almost on fire with his need. I continued on my way but two days later his touch haunted me. I went back and looked into his pen, a red tag said that this would be his last day if not adopted. As soon as he saw me he cried out and ran to the chain link rubbing the length of his body against the fence. His lips pulled back in an obvious smile. He had me. Into my Jaguar this long legged dude took over the whole front seat. Every once in a while, on the way home, his huge tongue would find my neck and face. I guess he liked the car. Our paths crossed, and our journey was about to begin.

He was so beautiful, people would stop me in the park or on the street to touch him. I did not yet know just how special he was. He trained me, would follow command, seemingly without being asked. Golden Retreivers are such a gentle breed, Buck was great with babies. On a beautiful summer day in Breckenridge, Buck and I walked the shops. We came upon a couple pushing a stroller. Buck pulled at the leash and at first I did not understand. As I watched, he gentley walked to the stoller, sat, and extended his beautiful paw to a child of progeria. Although only a year or so old, the child looked like a tiny man in his eighties. The couple froze as the little boy reached out and touched Bucks paw. The little boys mom and dad began to cry. You see, he was afraid of dogs. They laughed through their tears and began stoking Buck and letting the little boy grab Bucks hair and touch his big rubber nose. As they left, the wife turned and said "thank you, thank you so much". Buck watched them walk away, his ears perked, glad to have made a new friend. He was a communicator, an old soul. There would be many instances to come.

In November of 1997 Buck and I set off in a 1972 Cadillac hurse. I had transformed it into a mini motorhome. I pointed the nose south and didn't stop until I was deep in the state of Sinaloa, just west of Esquinapa, on the water, in the little fishing village of Teacapan. We left it all and went to Mexico.

On the way, before El Salto, I was driving late at night. I saw at a distance a fire in the middle of the road. It was a drum with oil, and beside the road were two drunk banditos. A third staggered to my window brandishing a pistol and demanding money. From his sleep, Buck raged from the back of the hurse. His teeth were showing and saliva sprayed from his mouth as he protested in an angry manner. He was a crazy dog, looked violent as hell, and he was big. The bandito dropped his gun (I could see through the ends of the cylinder that it was not loaded). I hit him with the door and my hand, and Buck and I were on the way down the road with all of our things. Buck could be very demanding when a situation called for it. He just seemed to know. For him, Mexico was a place of many wonders. BIG Iguanas, flocks of pelicans to chase, and street dogs to show who was boss. The people of the village called him "Galante' " before knowing his name. On the beautiful cool nights walking the plaza, families would stop and love him, touch and talk to him. He was a healer, a connection to what love must be like.

Returning to a beautiful mountain home with acres and acres of ponderosa pines, little Hebert squirrels to chase, and Canadian geese to piss him off, he was in heaven. In 2009 he began to fail. I didn't know if I could take it. He was my hero, and he was dying. He loved us those last days, lifting his weak head, wobbling onto the deck to go outside to pee. And when he was ready to go he let Karen know. As she comforted him he began to cry softly into her lap. We understood, and with heavy heart we held him and told him we loved him as our wonderful Veterenarian assisted Buck to his peace, all without pain.

Have I known true unconditional love? Oh my yes. He saved my life, he changed my life. He taught me many things, above all, tenderness and unconditional positive regard.

I miss my boy.

Rocky

February 18, 2010

February 18. Today I am 61 years old. Life has been fast and furious, time passing quickly and with it the small memories that brought me great happiness.

My very first memory is sitting in one of those canvass bottom, aluminun legged walkers, apparently I was not capable of walking at the time. I was watching them tarpaper the house that I was to live in. A twenty foot square with a chimney in the middle, one side a woodstove the other a pot belly. Our toilet was a"thunderjug" a porcelin pail with a top on it. It was emptied into the outhouse in the morning. We had a pump that you had to prime with the mason jar that stood beside it. Got to fill it after each use of the pump. Not a TV, not a radio, not a single piece of reading material. Crackers and milk for breakfast., maybe some fried salt pork. I could see the ground through the spaces of the floorboard. The house was on cement blocks, I could crawl beneath it.

Long summer days, playing in the dirt outside. Having bunnies and ducks, and chickens that always seem to go and get lost in the woods sometimes. A cold, hunrgy gray world. I was aware of the differences only when I entered school. My family was poor. Meat from a government can, lard, peanut butter, butter. The church bringing gifts on Christmas eve, and a huge basket of food. This was the world that I would learn.

Walking in the woods as a little boy, in the early Spring I could smell the sun upon the evergreen newfall beneath my feet. A glorious smell. And the older guys..."bend over Bruce, (as the ram set up in the other corner to bust my ass.), or how about.."Hey we caught an animal in a box and we can't get him out." (It turned out to be a skunk, tail arched, his ass two feet from my nose and like the stupid child inside me held on for dear life, holding on with a steel grip by the tail, and chasing all my friends through the cornfield, laughing until our stomachs hurt.) I stunk for weeks.

School was a train wreck. Being poor in the fifties and sixties had it's set of stigma. Sociality was pretty much limited by the dollar, believe it or not. Learning to fight, getting $5.00 a round to get my ass kicked paid off. I was somebody, but it was hollow.

A nine or ten yr old boy, is in the middle of elephant grass holding a broken stock AK-47, caked in mud. He has been popping shots at helicopters. The down draft of the main rotor (Uh-1C gunship ("Charlie Model") flattened the grass around him. A perfect circle of flatenned grass, like a golf green. He is a peasant child, they probably pay him .25 cents a day to take two or three shots. Harrassment rounds.

Jesus man, I cannot reconcile those years and my reaction to them. I became flat in affect. No emotions anywhere, I save them for the place 7000 miles away. We cannot reach the "here and now" mentality. We drink and laugh at the war. It is much too horrible to digest. So we twist it and elevate it to to the place that I heard about it (Fuck it man,....just fuck it). My brothers know the depth of this level of functioning in a cognitive world. There isn't one of them that didn't hear it at least once.

Escape..Two quick marraiges to "fix me". and take full responsibility for them. Two daughters, in their thirties now, in the divorce shuttle, and the different sides of the stories. Spent years trying to model behavior.

Camping, beaches, boats on the lake, trolling for Bass, roadtripping to Mexico every year. A stable loving marraige, (not withouit bumps), that stands stronger every day that passes. We traveled the world. Flying, scuba diving, yoga... on and on and on. It has been a life of adventure.

My major concerns in life have changed, my heart aches for those without freedom, food, clean water, the homeless that camp along the Creek west of the Springs, and then there's the guy who shows you his new car as he waxes it with a quart of $34.97 the most expensive wax, and his kids got dirty faces and momma is working her ass off and stumbling through the years, she has lost hope. But he's happy, sipping his mini-brew beer.

To the mountains my friends. Backed up to over 400,000 acres of Pike National Forest, sitting well above 8000 ft. My Golden retreivers, no fences, new D-mail every day. Gotta get outside dad NOW! The black tufted squirrel is my claim to fame here. I have managed to plant my fields with food. Deer food, bird feed, butterflys, bluebird houses. But my black boys are a challenge. Shy like you wouldn't believe. After 11 yrs I have seven of them, 22 ferral pigeons, 4 sets of seasonal ring neck doves, Bucks and does that lazily eat wtih their spotted fawn in the early mornings of Spring. The racoons hiss at each other under my bedroom window, 5 or 6 of them posturing. I can hear the pack of coyotes calling to each other, rounding up food, they can be heard for over a mile coming and a mile passing in the late night, and not one siren. There is no one racing up and down the street. People visit on their quads or tractors. The longest line at the post office I have ever seen is 4. We have a small bank, I think I have waited all of 3 minutes at the most to be recognised by name. I forgot my wallet and was in the little country store to buy wine. Holly said "I know where you live, bring it to me tomorrow". It is a magic home, one that embraces you. A place of solace.

From what.......from my life of course. It is time to integrate, I can't change that shit now. It was another me. 30 yr old Rocky was not one of the guys I find to be a real gentleman, nor would I have a relationship with that person at this point in my life.

I have adapted. I did not "settle" in the process.

Sometimes I feel 61. Most times I don't "feel" anything, I just go about my business.

I have a great hunger to serve the world. If only I had the ability to ease some of the suffering. We do what we can, and pray we can do more one day.

The Wanderings of a Winter's Mind


Rocky